Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
