I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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