I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
