I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
