finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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