my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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