OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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