Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
