The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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