And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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