I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
worst night to have a conscience
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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