I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
