Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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