My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
