You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
