That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry about my life...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
