So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
