you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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