The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
