She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
