dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
