Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
