Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
smell my finger.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
