Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
