my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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