the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
