Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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