Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
