Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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