Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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