Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
