ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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