you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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