you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
