how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Congratulations! We have a period
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
