so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
