I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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