It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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