his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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