There was a lot of him and a little penis
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize