On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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