i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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