my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Shame is for Republicans.
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