I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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