Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
