hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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