the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
