Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
