Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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