She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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