im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he puts the penis in happiness.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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